Dude.

I'm SO excited. I'm SO sad. I'm SO not looking forward to packing. I'm SO looking forward to moving forward. I'm SO everything.

Last night was the first time that I sat in my normal Tuesday night women's meeting and thought about not being there every week. That led to a little weepiness. Hey, I'm a crier, I'm all right with it (mostly). Then my sponsor called me and was nice to me and that just sent me over the edge. It's hard to let people be gentle and loving. It makes me feel vulnerable. But if I've learned anything over the past 5 years or so, women have a certain way of loving that makes me feel safe enough to just go ahead and cry.

So I did.

Deeply sleepy

I'm so tired today. It's hard for me to get to sleep on time, considering "on time" would be some where around 9 o'clock. Forget that! The past 8 years at this new position, my hours have gotten earlier and earlier. I am now scheduled to work 6am-2:30pm. Yikes!

I shoot for 10pm but somehow it's always closer to 11 by the time I actually get into bed. Thankfully, once I decide to go to sleep I'm instantly comatose. It's a gift, really.

Now, I'm a night owl and get a hoot (sorry) out of staying up as late as possible. It seems to me I'm going against my very nature by getting in bed anytime before midnight. But because I like to worry about things that haven't happened yet, I've decided to have anxiety about getting to set my own hours.

I have learned to appreciate being up before any one else: no traffic, no lines at the grocery store or mall, clean air and maybe a majestic sunrise or two. I like having a lot of day left when I get off of work. But then again, I probably won't be working anywhere near as much as I do now. So who cares when my day starts and ends?

Me. I am afraid of so many silly things. They're so silly, I can't even tell you about them. Just trust me, they're ridiculous.

What it really is, is that I'm having so much fun and I'm loving life so much that I really want my cake and eat it too. Up early, bed late and then nap during the day. That's what I do now. Unfortunately, I'm not 23 anymore and my body actually shuts down on me and like a donkey refuses to move forward.

So once again, it's all about balance and taking care of myself. I swear this spiritual stuff leaves no stone unturned, no avenue of life unexamined. Thank goodness!

Job opportunities

When I was 18, I got a job at the phone company where my mom worked. At that point, I had no ambitions, no desire to do anything to make money to have a roof over my head and some cash to party with. Liking one's job was a foreign concept, and any type of competitive career was not interesting to me. I was simply resigned to being a permanent fixture on the employee roster at Pacific Bell. I wasn't particularly bummed out about it either. It was a good job with great benefits, PacBell payed well and it was a union gig.

It never occured to me that all that "it's a good job" stuff was a rationalization for staying in a place that really was making me miserable. I'm not happy with what is now AT&T. I never was, but I didn't see an alternative to being there for ever, so I just told myself that everything was "fine."

Now I realize that part of the happy, fulfilled life I've been trying to live for the past 8 years means doing something with my time that actually makes me happy and fulfilled. I never thought what I wanted to be when I grew up. Gabe is the one who fostered my ability to look outside the box with what I am going to do with my precious time.

I realized my husband was right, that I'm not a drone. That yes, I can technically retire from the phone company at 48, but that's 17 years away. Do I really see myself being at AT&T for another 2 decades? The old scared me says YES, but that is a rapidly diminishing character trait, being replaced by a faith-filled me going "Oh hell no." It's taken a lot of people's support and input, but I seem to be in an open-minded, willing spot.

So Friday I emailed Weight Watchers to inquire about their job opportunities in the area I am relocating to. I am very excited that I found the courage to do that, and that I'm actually interested in seeing if it's a good fit for me. I found some ambition!

I'll let you know what happens.

Tagged?

I have been tagged. I'm not quite sure what that means exactly but apparently I must now give you 7 random facts about myself.
Here they are in no specific order:

1. I love my family more than I ever thought I would. I used to feel like I didn't belong to them or with them at all, and now all I want to do is spend time with them, talk to them and generally show them I love them.

2. Here's an obvious one: I'm a really sappy person.

3. I love smells. Pumpkin, tuberose and cinnamon buns top my list right now.

4. I just came from an AA anniversary party, celebrating a friend's 4th year of sobriety.

5. I have a hot pink rug, robe and towels in my bathroom. I just fell in love with hot pink one day recently and got inspired to literally bathe in it.

6. I watch more sports than you probably ever will, or ever even want to. Go Lakers! Go Angels! Go Green Bay!

7. From the second I met him, my husband has always been my favorite person. Even when we didn't talk for a year, I just adored him from afar.

No big news, for once

Well, I don't have any birth or home announcements, and no pictures to share today (yet). But I love this blogging thing! I'm so happy I started it. Thanks to all who helped me have the guts to try. I don't have any political agenda or any thought that what I'm saying is really all that important. But I do feel like it's a good way to let people know what's going on, and even find out what's going on with myself. Very illuminating...

I saw my cousin's baby again yesterday, she's beautiful although not a great conversationalist. We'll give that some time though. I really feel this sense of, not urgency, but strong desire to be there for my cousin as much as I can right now. As of now, I can offer my physical presence, and I won't be able to in a few weeks. I don't know if I'm helping her at all, but at least I am there if I can be of some assistance.

That holds true with my friends, too. I want to see them more and do the hanging out thing. It's not like we're never coming back down here, and I'm only going to be 3 hours away. BUT! I've never done this before, so I don't truly know what it's going to be like.

Such an adventure!

Score!

So, more happy news! We got the place we were trying to rent. It looks pretty nice, and although I've never seen it, I trust Gabe's taste and he thinks it's pretty special. I think it's nice to have a vision of where we're going. It's so pretty!

I am a little apprehensive. It's just another proof that we're moving, that it's definitely happening, that I'm going to live somewhere other than Burbank. I know there are no big deals, but this feels like at least a moderately-sized deal. So I'm treating it as such, I'm trying to have a hands-off approach while doing the footwork. It seems to be keeping me calm so far.

Gabe's home!

So, my husband is home. After 5 days of manning the store and house hunting, he is returned to me.

And it seems like we're going to get the place we want. We're supposed to find out tomorrow whether or not we got it. I would love it, it's a beautiful house. At least it is from the pics I've seen, and Gabe is really high on it.

I've posted a sample picture from our formal wedding shots. It's one of my favorites but it's pretty hard to chose which one I like best. Thank you Jenn, you did an awesome job!