Scaredy cat!

Yesterday I went to meet a man about a singing/keyboard duo. I would be doing the singing half. Since I haven't performed for a live audience in over 10 years, he's not exactly thrilled with my resume. But he must think I'm halfway decent because he's asked me to do a little song homework.

Since I met him over the internet, Gabe drove me to his house. He came in with me and just got to know the guy, who is named Ken and is, to my great relief, not an ax murderer. Just a dude that's been playing keys for a long time.

Now for those of you who don't know by now, singing is my thing. I've been avoiding it for years for whatever reason, but all my excuses have fallen away, leaving me to either admit I don't really love singing and performing or that I really really do.

This Artist's Way book I have been doing is really helping to pave the way for me creatively. I hesitate to get very airy-fairy about the whole thing but certainly something is happening that this opportunity to sing in exactly the way I want has appeared.

As far as I see it, I'm being given a gift all wrapped up in a neat little package. I love presents! I'll let you know what happens as this unfolds.

Oh by the way, got any favorites? I'd love some comments on your favorite songs to hear at a wedding or small gathering. Standards or contemporary... I'm open. I'm supposed to come up with a few songs and I know sometimes the best ideas come from some one else's head!

Addiction alert!

I've been playing online poker tournaments with play money and I don't know if I'm going to be able to stop. I think I could quit if I wanted to. But really, I don't want to. So I just thought I'd do a little confessing. While I could be out saving the whales and protesting global warming, I am instead hunkered over a computer, agonizing over whether or not my ace is worth 3000 virtual chips with a only a lowly 5 kicker.

Terrible.

And terribly entertaining.

You know what? I'm doing it right now. I mean as I'm typing, not as you're reading this... but odds are good I'm doing it then too.

I wish there was a moral to this story, but that's all I got.

Happy-ish times

I had a short reprieve from my sinus infection. Now I have a pinched nerve. Whooo! Ah, the curveballs of life. Doesn't God know I have plans? Grrr.

The weather has cleared up again and it's not freezing outside. The sun is shining and it's a glorious day. So why do I feel so isolated? It might be because all of my friends are 3 hours away by car. It could be that I'm not putting myself out there enough at meetings or just in general. Possibly I am being too picky on whom I could consider a friend.

I love my husband dearly but I really don't want to depend on him to be my everything. That's a lot of pressure for one person, and as some of you might know: it never works out well. So I feel the need to find friends. I know that it's going to take time and will just happen eventually any way. But I. Want. Some. Friends. Now! Preferably a best friend who totally gets me and has exactly the same interests.

*Sigh*

Ok, back to reality. The reality is I'm lonely. The reality about that is it's totally understandable, even expected to some degree. And that real, true friendships take time and that's that. Did I really think a sunny disposition and a moderately decent sense of humor would have me crowned Miss Central Coast Popularity by now? Maybe a little...

Truth is, I want to be rescued from this feeling. I don't want to have it and I'd like some one to fix me immediately. That's a real problem, that I'd like some one else to step in and make changes instead of taking responsibility. No one is going to wave a magic wand and *poof* some friends into existence for me.

The good news is, I took matters into my own hands about finding a newcomer to work with. I now have a sponsee up here which is awesome. We are going to meet on the first step on Friday. As usual, I am being given what I need exactly when I need it.

Having said all that, I would still call these happy times. I am in a good place every other way than the friend thing. And remembering that that is a temporary situation is essential. I'm not really in a position to complain.

The clouds parted...

...and the angels sang! I can breathe! Praise to the heavens! My nasal passages are 85% clear and I am finally receiving enough oxygen.

I have been sick since Sunday. Achy, stuffy, generally miserable. I watched TV, stayed in my jammies and wallowed in my illness for foggy days and sleepless nights. I saw the doctor yesterday and she gave me antibiotics which I took immediately, like a junkie getting a fix.

I woke this morning to the realization that I was breathing and my mouth was closed! Joyous, joyous occasion. Hey maybe you don't mind mouth-breathing but I find it very uncomfortable. I think I can thank my older cousins for that. I was told that if I had my mouth open during sleep, a virtual stampede of bugs would make a bee-line for my uvula. To this day I grind my teeth with the effort of keeping a tight mouth-seal while I otherwise peacefully slumber. Thanks for the TMJ, Danah!!

But anyways! I'm so grateful to feel clearheaded. It feels like spring in my sinuses, yay.

Ok now I'm just having too much fun

My husband drew a picture for me to paint and this is the resulting work of art. I don't have a name for it, or know what it means.

But who cares? I got to get paint on my face and feel all artist-y.

I haven't been doing a lot of reading lately so it wasn't a big sacrifice when the Artist's Way put a weeklong ban on reading. I thought I wasn't going to be strict about it since I wasn't reading any way but I have found that I've been very resistant to breaking "the ban" even when I've had a lot of time on my hands.

Instead I've been creating things. Not anything big or important but I feel like I'm building up some muscles I haven't used for 20 years. Kids like to draw, paint, sing and dance because that stuff is fun. So why do we stop doing it when we grow up? I have decided that I will allow myself to do fun stuff, even when I don't know the "rules."

Don't you want to do that too? What's stopping you? If you are doing it, I want to hear about it. If you're not... why?

I made something else!

I hope every one had a nice Valentine's day... or a crappy one if that's your thing. Hey, to each their own. I am a holiday loving fool and I'm fine with it. It was our first married V-day and it was very nice.

First of all, we watched then end of the Laker game from the night before and they looked great. Totally killed the Timberwolves. That was the morning.

Then I went to work at the store.

When I got home, my hubby had made dinner and bought me red roses. And he got a haircut. Very handsome!

I made him a foam rubber monkey with a nice little note in back. (see picture above)

What did you do?

I made something!

Have you ever heard of a punch needle? Well I hadn't. But apparently it's a tool that one uses to make kitsch. I punch needled and embroidered my little heart out today. It was fun.

Don't be surprised if you get one of these from me for Christmas. Fair warning has been given.

Who's in charge?

It's been almost a full week since I departed from my half-my-lifetime job. I was really there almost half my life!! So it's bound to be an adjustment, how many times do I have to go over that in my own head?

I had this dream two mornings ago that I was in Godiva, buying gifts. I don't usually allow myself the chocolates there, that's why I know they were for some one else. When I went to ring out, the woman told me that I could have another truffle box free since I was buying two already. But since I didn't have anyone to give them to, I was freaking out about getting them because I'd probably eat them myself.

That was pretty much the end of the dream and I didn't think anything of it until, as I was writing my morning pages, the phrase "kid in a candy store" popped into my head. Which is a fairly decent description of my life right now. I am like a kid in a candy store. There are so many possibilities, and I am giddy with choice. At the same time, I want so desperately to make the right decisions.

Instead of focusing on the negativity that I seem to be able to find in everything, I am going to direct my thinking toward the positive. This is a great opportunity for me to find out who I really am, and what I really like. So I'm going to take it as that. Even while I suffer from minor freak outs.

Saturday morning was tough on me. I was on the edge of a panic attack and only a little deep breathing kept it at bay. I realized I hadn't really done any processing with my husband on my leaving my job and the repercussions of that decision. I needed his input. My leaving AT&T affects me the most, but him second. And I was beginning to try to read his mind to see how he felt. And since I can find negativity anywhere, guess what I thought he was thinking?

But I was wrong. He's happy for me and doesn't regret our decisions. So that was a great relief. This is a very different situation than I ever thought I'd be in. I didn't have much hope that I could be happy, that I could do anything but barely survive and get out of this life without inflicting too much damage or having too much pain.

Thank God I'm not in charge.

Defying Gravity

I signed my resignation papers yesterday. I am officially out of the gravitational pull of the phone company. It's obviously a little strange. Thirteen years is a long time to do anything, especially because I identified myself by my employment for so long. More recently, I had made a concious effort to avoid thinking of myself as an AT&T drone only, and to focus on the other things I did that validated me.

Because, honestly, how sad is it to base your entire worth for breathing on something that you're kinda miserable about doing? Plus, I've known for some time that I would be moving on from there. So, having learned that it's important to have healthy replacements for new vacancies in my life, I have been thinking about being a friend, a wife, an artist. A butterfly chaser... what ever!

My friend Tianana just started her own blog, called "Spread Your Wings" and I feel today that is speaking directly to me. I am completely and totally ready to be happily surprised by what is in store for me. I am as prepared as I'm going to get, although I'll never stop working on myself. I feel free, joyful and even a little proud. Walking away from a job like that is something I never thought I'd do.

In one way it's the riskiest thing I've ever done! In another, it's also just behind getting sober as far as taking care of myself, and allowing myself to find out who I actually am.

In other news, I went to Burbank over the weekend and it was pretty cool. It was like I never left, and I did more talking in the 3 days I was there than I had the whole previous month. I saw many (but not all) of the people I wanted to see. And in the end, I couldn't wait to come home to Atascadero...

Ain't that a trip?

I might be lying but...

...I don't think I've ever been away from Burbank for an entire month. Of course, it's like I never left. Nothing is different, and I certainly haven't changed much.

It was really nice to see my girlfriends last night. We had a great time and I talked more last night than I have in, well, a month. They are so beautiful and wonderful. One of them is about 6 weeks pregnant and she broke the news, so it was a particularly joyous occasion.

I didn't cry like I thought I might, I missed them but I haven't felt like they were completely out of reach. I realize what a difference face time makes, but also that true friends seldom fall out of touch completely. And I have been emailing and IMing and actually making a few phone calls too. Some women I've talked to more since I left than I ever did when I lived right by them!

I'm going out this morning with my friend from elementary school and then we're going to see a play tonight with another friend. I have a pretty full schedule while I'm down here and I'm happy and grateful for that!