Who's in charge?

It's been almost a full week since I departed from my half-my-lifetime job. I was really there almost half my life!! So it's bound to be an adjustment, how many times do I have to go over that in my own head?

I had this dream two mornings ago that I was in Godiva, buying gifts. I don't usually allow myself the chocolates there, that's why I know they were for some one else. When I went to ring out, the woman told me that I could have another truffle box free since I was buying two already. But since I didn't have anyone to give them to, I was freaking out about getting them because I'd probably eat them myself.

That was pretty much the end of the dream and I didn't think anything of it until, as I was writing my morning pages, the phrase "kid in a candy store" popped into my head. Which is a fairly decent description of my life right now. I am like a kid in a candy store. There are so many possibilities, and I am giddy with choice. At the same time, I want so desperately to make the right decisions.

Instead of focusing on the negativity that I seem to be able to find in everything, I am going to direct my thinking toward the positive. This is a great opportunity for me to find out who I really am, and what I really like. So I'm going to take it as that. Even while I suffer from minor freak outs.

Saturday morning was tough on me. I was on the edge of a panic attack and only a little deep breathing kept it at bay. I realized I hadn't really done any processing with my husband on my leaving my job and the repercussions of that decision. I needed his input. My leaving AT&T affects me the most, but him second. And I was beginning to try to read his mind to see how he felt. And since I can find negativity anywhere, guess what I thought he was thinking?

But I was wrong. He's happy for me and doesn't regret our decisions. So that was a great relief. This is a very different situation than I ever thought I'd be in. I didn't have much hope that I could be happy, that I could do anything but barely survive and get out of this life without inflicting too much damage or having too much pain.

Thank God I'm not in charge.